Forgotten Promises

I told myself I would start a blog and continue it everyday, if not at least once a week.

 It has been 8 months.

But I'm back. And sad thing is, it is for the same reason as the last post. Even sadder, its the same boy. I don't know when I'll learn. A better question, I don't know when I'll grow up. I've wounded up in a circle that slowly is about to come apart.

Now, I'm here. Typing as a I think about what my life has become. I just graduated from college back in May. And since then I've been looking for jobs and moving around. I ended up with my boyfriend with a job I'm sure I'll love ( I just started Monday). You would think the world has become a better place but it only has become darker.

My boyfriend has decided to inform me last night that he is unsure of what he wants. Meaning he is unsure if he wants to commit. Meaning he is unsure if he wants to stay with me any longer. Given the circumstance sometimes I don't think I want to stay with him any longer. I guess this is what happens when you move in with each other. You grow apart. The disappointing thing is that we worked better living apart than living together.

Now I have to search for a new place to live, because all though we are not broken up yet, I feel that it has reached a point where we can probably not work anything out. I mean how are you supposed to work with someone who doesn't know if he wants to be with you? How do you work with someone who is unsure of themselves and their future? Don't get me wrong, its not like my life is planned out, but I do know where I want to be eventually. And I know more what I DON'T want to happen to me.

At least tomorrow is Friday and I've decided to go home this weekend to get away for a bit. Clear my mind. Stay away from him for a couple of days.

The worst part of all this...

it hurts so much.

Seriously

I'm not sure what to think. Story of my life: boys. Like no joke. I can give you probably the most drama filled evening.

So I had this boyfriend. Broke up with him recently and I thought we had come to an understanding. I guess I spoke a different language because not but a couple of hours ago, he is talking as if nothing happened. So when I mentioned the idea of going to a party( because I wan't allowed to while dating him), he went ballistic.

I know, high school drama at a college level. I guess this is what happens when you date someone who never completed high school. Not to hate on those who didn't finish because you know, things happen. I'm just saying I don't think this boy has grown up since then(7 years ago). Not to say I'm mature at any level, but if you are older than I am and acting way immature than me....there might be a problem. Oh dear.

ANYWAY, just to finish my story. This said boy who lives 2 hours away, drives down to my college town to drag me away from best friends house to talk in my boring monotone dorm to tell me he loves me. In perspective, losing the best thing you've ever had it is hard to let go. Been down that road before.

Do not get me wrong, I LOVE this boy. At some level being with someone just as childish as you is a happy blissful life, but sadly I want to go somewhere. Anywhere. Preferably getting to be outdoors 24/7 in the middle of some park, rain forest, or underwater. He would much rather live in his city home apartment where he pays minimal rent to live in an open living room with a job he complains about every hour of everyday. And you know what, its fine if he's happy. He can do what he wants, when he wants...if he's single. With me, once I graduate...chunk deuce... real world here I come. If he comes with me, I would be the happiest girl alive....if he doesn't I can't be tied to working a job I don't like, in a dirty city, where I won't be pursuing the one dream  I've been pursuing and struggling to reach for the past four years. And you know what, I wouldn't care if I had to work my hours to bring home the bacon. I wouldn't care if he played video games all day, while I worked all day. I'm simple. I just need some loving and constant adoration. The only complication to all of this apparently is my dream to end up one day in Hawaii basking in its glory of biodiversity, rain forest, and marine life. Sorry, not a dream I want to sacrifice.

So putting this all into place. HIM + ME +his wants+ my needs= absolute disaster.

So, when he came down, without warning to tell me he loves me I was devastated. On one side was my best friend telling me how he's not worth it and the other was my heart beating and dancing knowing that he was here. Sweet notion but only a temporary fix of love. I don't want to drag him along to something he doesn't want, nor will I lower myself to beg him to come with me. Even though his begging for me to reconsider something like a college education to go somewhere on the opposite level was a slight turn off. Probably a no go.

So here I am, getting the cold shoulder from the BF and a warm, I love you speech from the EX and I'm just thrown in the real world/love/reality of things.

So in conclusion. I've done the stupid thing, accepted who he was and got back with him on his stipulation that this break up will be put off until that bridge is reached for me to head off in my direction. What can I say, I'm a stickler for love and I really don't want to let him go as much as he doesn't want to let me go.

Guess in the scheme of things, its a little too early to grow up. I've got a whole 6 months left of living the simple college experience before I'm in the grown up world.

Who wants to grow up so early anyway?

Too Early, Too Great and happiness, too

So this morning started off bad. I mean, who wants to wake up at 6am because your bestie has to study for her final at 8am. Not to mention I stayed up pretty late.


 Because I love her, I did. I dislike her living off campus because I would have totally slept in, but to get back to campus I had to leave early with her. But I'd much rather start my day earlier with my best friend than wake up later and alone. So its got its ups and downs and we ALL love to complain. 

I'm done with that because my day got 10x better!!!!!! As seen by my AWESOME grade above. The course, Bio-environmental Microbiology, the winner, ME! BAHAHAHA I feel great! So please share in my happiness and have some ice cream today. I know I'll be eating me some, particularly something that contains chocolate. Not sure whether to go to Ben and Jerry's or Coldstone. I'll share in my delight with you when I decide.


:D 


First, on a more serious note but still a good note, is my presentation on the lowland Rainforest in South America. I'm pretty confident my positive attitude will be shown and maybe give a pretty awesome talk about my favorite topic. All I know is that after a broken heart, this is a road way to better days

Adore Me

Love me.

You can't help but hug me.
I'm fun, funny, and warm as the sun. (All though fair warning, my shoulder can be cold if you don't face me)

What am I doing here? Who knows. Somehow I felt the need to tell you (the audience) what I go through on a daily basis because its a show. A show with drama, tragedy and undeniable mistakes you most definitely DON'T want to make, but hey you learn better the hard way anyway. I'm no guru mind you. Just human...for the most part. Sometimes I wonder. I mean who eats popcorn with pickle juice. I know I did for dinner today (Don't worry I had tacos later with the best friend, so no, I'm no poor college student). Something about the sweet kettle popcorn, with salt and sour pickle juice. You're like "So?". And I'm like, "well it sorta describes me" just a little bit of random concoctions to make an amazing delightful treat. I'm your delightful treat. Don't hate on me or my analogies....I NEVER said I was a writer. Best friend can vouch for that. Especially after the many times she's had to edit my papers and tell me I really suck at writing.

Real Talk: Just your every day girl( all though 21) that makes it to the end of the day ready to start the next one.

So to you the general audience I present ME.

Adore me.

Love, me.